Cynthia’s Blog

Since I shared my own depression story in the first week’s segment of Goodbye Chaos, Hello Peace and on my website, a number of ladies have responded by telling me that they, too, suffer from depression, and asking if I have any tips for coping with it. Here are my 5 Top Tips For Coping With Depression - these work well for burn-out or those who are just plain stressed-out too!
1. Talk about it! Bottling up your feelings leads to internalising the stress, and can cause a worsening of your emotions, as well as the occurance of a variety of physical symptoms as your body reacts to the effects of stress. On the other hand, talking about it helps you to feel better, feel less confused, less alone and gives you back a sense of perspective and some control. Talk to someone you trust who you know will listen to you. Be honest about how you feel and what is weighing you down. Don’t expect this person to have all the answers to your problems - what you need is to talk it over, which will help you begin to see for yourself how to sort out what to do. You could talk to family or friends, a councillor, trusted medical professional or an internet friend. For myself, both times I suffered depression, it was when I talked about it openly, pouring out my heart to someone I trusted that the turning point came.
2. Press in to God! God loves you deeply, completely. He can help you find your way out of the pit of depression. However, Christian research has shown that it is very common for someone who is depressed to feel as though God is far away and they cannot reach him. A depressed person may find it hard to pray or read the Bible. I tell you this to point out that these feelings and reactions are NORMAL - it is not a spiritual fault in you, but the depression causing your mind and emotions to send you misleading signals. I urge you not to give up, but to do what you can to reach out to God anyway, no matter how you FEEL. Feelings are valid, but they do not change the TRUTH, which is that God loves you and will never leave or forsake you. Just because you cannot feel his presence at any given moment, does not mean he is not there. Read the Psalms - how often did David cry out to God asking why he was so far away? God wasn’t far away - it was David’s own emotional state that made it seem so. But in crying out to God with honesty, David helped himself to get back some perspective - he moves in his psalms from crying out in despair to praising God for his faithfulness.
3. Let go of your Perfectionism! One dictionary definition of perfectionism is “A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.” The Webster’s 1828 dictionary defined a perfectionist as “one pretending to perfection.” A perfectionist demands unattainably high standards of themselves and everyone around them. They believe that these standards CAN be met, and are constantly frustrated because they are not. Often they expect excellence in too many things at once. They expect themselves to be the proverbial Superwoman, and beat themselves up when they fail to obtain this. A perfectionist keeps a mask firmly in place, shifting heaven and earth to always maintain an outward appearance of excellence in everything, even when they are falling apart on the inside. A perfectionist will never let anyone see their home less than spotless, though the truth may be that it usually is a mess. Dear one, stop pretending!! It’s killing you! And let go of those impossible standards - they’re killing you AND your family! As a perfectionist myself, I used to believe that if I did not always appear to be in control and on top of all areas of my life, then I would be a bad witness and no-one would be attracted to Christianity or homeschooling or having a large family. In fact, the opposite is true! If I appear perfect in everything, “mere mortals” say to themselves - “it’s alright for HER, but I could never do that!” When I show myself honestly and as less than perfect, it takes a lot of pressure off me. And, others are encouraged by the fact that I am not perfect, but can be a Christian or a homeschooler or a mother of many anyway!
4. Use someone else’s plan! In the midst of depression, one thing that discourages many women more than anything else is the fact that their home is in chaos, and they are so overwhelmed they don’t know where to begin. When you are stressed-out or depressed, making decisions or figuring out a plan is often simply beyond your present capabilities. But knowing that there IS a plan in place, and all you have to do is take this or that one small step at a time, and the rest WILL be taken care of further down the track relieves a lot of pressure, and gives your mind a break! So, if you cannot formulate your own plan, use someone else’s! There are several good organising systems freely available to you via the internet - Flylady is one, the Organiser Lady is another, and of course my own Goodbye Chaos, Hello Peace is designed to lead you step by step as well. The point is to give yourself a break from trying to figure it all out, and just let someone else lead you along for a while. It will be such a relief to your over-burdened heart and mind!
5. Rest! What most depressed people need more than any other thing is more sleep! Sleep deprivation can lead to depression in the first place, but even if that is not how you got into the pit, LOTS of sleep is a vital part of the healing process. You need to rest MORE than a person who is in a normal, healthy state does. During sleep, the mind is able to heal itself and restore balance. Unfortunately, the feeling of being stressed out can lead to insomnia, and become part of a vicious cycle. That is why I’ve listed this last, not first, even though it is the thing most needed. You see, if you follow the four tips above - talk about your feelings, reach out to God, let go of your perfectionism and grab hold of a plan, you will find much relief from the racing thoughts and sense of rising panic that comes with stress and stops you from relaxing and sleeping. You will be able to let go at night, able to tell yourself that it’s ok - you aren’t there yet, but you’re on the right track and you WILL get there! If you find yourself still unable to sleep, then I urge you to seek medical help to break the cycle. Sleep is VITAL to coping with stress and recovering from depression.

My friend, you are not alone! Many women struggle just like you. I pray the ideas above will help and encourage you, and that you will set out on the road to recovery.

Love

Cynthia

I know God has given me a calling to encourage others through my writing, but I have had a lot of ideas, and not really been sure what direction he wants me to focus on. A couple of days ago, I was blessed with an unexpected couple of hours sitting by a river, praying, listening to audios, contemplating. And this is what the Lord has shown me to do:

I am to write a book, which will first be developed in sections, but ultimately will be a one year “manual” taking a stressed-out, chaos-ridden, or just plain tired-and-in-need-of-some-help momma by the hand and leading her step-by-step through getting her life, home and everything else under control. Restoring hope, giving encouragement, leading the way gently through everything from evaluating where they are at, dreaming of where they want to go, and all the steps in between to make it a reality.

Of course, the details still need a lot of work, but I’m planning to start by publishing one week at a time as a freebie for folk who subscribe to my mailing list, and then when it is all complete, refined and overhauled based on feedback and actually doing it all myself too, will publish it as a complete ebook, for a reasonable price. It will be really a workbook - with room for the user to write their own info, ideas and steps. I want it totally user-friendly - totally useable. Something that does more than just tell someone HOW to fix their life, but actually leads them through DOING it, becoming their own personal manual and journal from chaos to peace.

As I sat at that park today, God gave me the outline for the first section, and the beginnings of the second. Over the course of the year,  I’m expecting to cover housework, paperwork, debt, decluttering, homeschooling, chores and routines, building family relationships and fun, taking care of Momma and drawing closer to God (not in that order!). I don’t expect to have ALL the answers for each area, but provide some good general help and encouragement, tips and hints, and point to the best resources for more indepth help in that area if needed, along with asking questions and providing space for the user to write their own discoveries and ideas.

So, I’m really excited - finally I know what direction I’m headed and can start writing with focus!!

If you would like to sign up for my weekly newsletter and recieve the chapters of my new book FREE as they are written, then go to this link and join the Yahoo group which I am setting up just for that purpose. There will be no discussion - only weekly emails from me updating you on the next section and answering any general questions that have been sent to me since the last newsletter, along with some encouragement and helpful tidbits. Here’s the link: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GoodbyeChaosHelloPeace

This past week, as I was seeking God as to what direction my writing and ministry was to take, he impressed upon my three lessons from 1 Chronicles that are vital to remember before beginning ANY undertaking! I thought I’d share them here.

 1Chron 10:13-14 “Saul died because he was unfaithful to the Lord; he did not keep the word of the Lord and even consulted a medium for guidance, and did not inquire of the Lord, so the Lord put him to death and turned the kingdom over to David son of Jesse.”

When we need direction, or are setting out on something new, it is VITAL that we seek God first, and find his direction. Saul had many good leadership qualities, but one of  the biggest areas he failed in was a tendency to act according to his own wisdom, doing what seemed like the best plan to him at the time. He also sought wisdom and guidance from sources other than God himself. The result was, God took away his kingdom and gave it to someone else. If we want our ministries or businesses to flourish with God’s blessing, we need to seek him first, second and last! And if at times it seems to be difficult to hear his voice, we need to KEEP seeking, not moving forwards until we have his direction.

 1Chron 11:9 “And David became more and more powerful, because the Lord Almighty was with him.

You want God on your side in whatever you undertake - because with Him all things are possible, and without him we can achieve nothing of any real value! Why was God on David’s side? One reason was that he LISTENED to God.

 Read 1Chron 14:8-17

There, we are told about David’s conduct before several different battles. Each time, he first asked God what he should do, and whether the Lord would deliver the enemy into his hand, and then he followed the plan God gave him. And the plan was not the same for each battle - one time God just told him to go into battle; another he specifically said to circle around them and attack in front of some trees. Also, just hearing God once, before the first battle, then doing the same thing each time was not enough - David needed to seek God’s plan for EACH new situation and battle!

 By asking God first, David always knew whether this was a battle he could win, whether he was to enter into it in the first place, and how he was to go about it. Imagine the assurance of going into a battle already knowing you will win?!! Always take the time to find out God’s plan first - don’t forge ahead in your own strength or wisdom!

 So, to recap - three things we should never forget:

1) Ask God what his plan is - don’t just do what seems right to you.

2) Listen to what God has to say! Remember that you and God together are an invincible team! Seek him afresh for each new situation or battle.

3) Wait until you hear from God - exactly what his plan is (what, when and how!) and don’t forge ahead in your own strength!

Jer 29:13 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Love

Cynthia

I have just uploaded my personal depression story. I’ve shared this with a number of stressed out fellow homeschool mothers over the last year or so, and many have responded with “Oh, so THAT’S what’s wrong with me!”

Burnout and depression are  much too-common problems world-wide in today’s fast-paced, high-demand society, but that is especially so amongst homeschoolers who have so many demands going on simultaneously in their lives. Unfortunately, many people do not recognise the symptoms until they are very far down the slippery slope, when knowing what is happening early on might have enabled them to take steps to avoid the worst of it all.

I pray that my own story and experiences may help others to feel less alone in their struggles to cope, perhaps to recognise their own situation for what it is, and to find some help and encouragment. Read it Here. 

I’d love to hear what you think!

Love

Cynthia

I live in New Zealand with my husband (and best friend on earth!) of nearly 18 years, and our 5 children, whom we homeschool. As of this writing (Feb 2007), they are 15, 13, 11, 10 & 7 years of age.

 We began homeschooling when my eldest was 4. When he was only 8 months old, I had first heard about homeschooling through a Focus on the Family radio broadcast. At that time we lived in a large city; I had never heard of homeschooling, knew no-one that did it, and didn’t even know if it was legal in NZ, but it just “clicked” in my heart, and I said to myself “I’m going to do that!” By the time Chris was 4, God has brought alongside me other homeschooling families, who lead me through the legalities and the beginnings of homeschooling.

 Since then, we have gone through many different experiences (you can read more in Our Story), including a period of 16 months when 3 of the children attended a small local Christian school, and a few months when they were all in a small country public school. Those experiences only made us all the more heartily committed to homeschooling!

 For nearly 3 years now, I have been leading an internet support group for Christian Homeschool mothers, which has given me the opportunity to get to know wonderful ladies from all over the world. For many, the group is their only, or main, form of support from like-minded folk, and it provides a wonderful forum to share ideas, encouragment, struggles and triumphs.

My heart is to share encouragement and ideas with you! If you’re struggling with debt or depression, then I have things to share with you! If your house is in chaos and you feel overwhelmed, then you’ve come to the right place! If your homeschool needs a breath of fresh air, then I know you will find ideas and resources here to help you. If you just want to hear from another normal, imperfect, and very real mother, and know you’re not alone - then stick around!

I have a LOT I want to share with you, but of course, it will take time for me to write or load everything, so please do check in regularly for updated material!

If there is something in particular you would like to see addressed, or if you would like to talk to me about anything raised here, feel free to email me at cynthia@cynthiahancox.com - I’d love to hear from you!

Love

Cynthia